Story by Kathy Collins
Listen to this column read aloud in pidgin:
Okay, I get ’em figga’d out! I t’ink da whole “birther” issue was one conspiracy. One compla-cated top-secret plot, mastah-minded by Michelle Obama. Dass right, da Firs’ Lady. She wanted all us guys fo’ see da Prezadent’s birt’ certificate not fo’ prove where he was born, but when.
August 4, 1961. Dat means he turnin’ fifty dis year. Dass one a da major milestone birt’days. An’ you know, local style, gotta get big party! But if you one local boy who jus’ happen fo’ be Prezadent of da United States, “big” no ‘nuff. Gotta be humongous! An’ if you da wife of dat local boy, dass yo’ persanoh rasponsabilaty fo’ t’row dat humongous party.
So I t’ink da Firs’ Lady stay askin’ fo’ our help, ‘speshly us guys in Hawai‘i, ‘cause we know how fo’ party when come birt’day time.
I wondah if da one-year-ol’ Barack Obama went get one baby lu‘au. Too bad we nevah know he was goin’ be Prezadent way back den, or else we all woulda gone to da party. Bruddah woulda had choke plenny presents!
But dass okay, ‘cause we goin’ be around fo’ his kanreki, his second childhood birt’day, when he turn sixty. Dass one noddah local-style celebration; dis one come from da Japanese. When da man turn sixty, his fam’ly t’row one big party fo’ him an’ he gotta wear one red vest an’ one red cap, ‘cause dass da kine clothes dat babies wear, an’ red is one happy, good luck color. Kanreki only fo’ men, I donno how come. I guess ‘cause us wahine, we no need one second childhood, we jus’ natchrally yout’ful.
Anyways, da Prezadent’s kanreki not going come fo’ ten years. Fo’ now, I get one idea fo’ help da Firs’ Lady wit’ dis year’s party. Make ‘em one Obama Five-O party!
No need be one cop-show theme, but jus’ like Hawai‘i Five-O, dis party going showcase da beauty of da Prezadent’s birt’place. But insteada da lush seen-ary and da buffness on da beach, we goin’ focus on da customs dat make us da Aloha State. Like ‘olu‘olu—dass mean fo’ be nice an’ pleasant—an’ lokahi, ev’rybody work togedda and help each odda. Jus’ like one baby lu‘au. Take plenny hands fo’ make all da food an’ da decorations, an’ even if get huhu (angry-kine feelings), ev’rybody put da kine bad stuffs on da side an’ they get along fo’ da baby’s sake.
I t’ink if da guys who been squawkin’ about da Prezadent’s birt’ certificate woulda gone to his baby lu‘au, they wouldn’t be so obsess wit’ dat piece pepa now. They woulda seen how da aloha spirit work. Maybe even catch some a dat aloha demselfs.
So Michelle, whatchootink? I ready wit’ da telephone tree, I can get couple-dozen aunties fo’ work da kitchen, we get plenny musicians fo’ enta-tain, all you gotta do is rent da hall. Jus’ gimme one call, sistah!